Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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