My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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