took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
