I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
