the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
