i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
