He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
