I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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