i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
