I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize