Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm both gender and math confused
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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