We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
nutella sex= disaster
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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