my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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