dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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