I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
