I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
