Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Can I color on your dick again?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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