Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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