My liver just broke up with me...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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