You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize