i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
