T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
