Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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