I seem to have left my pride at pride
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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