my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
