I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
