I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
