i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
