i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
