My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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