he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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