Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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