Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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