I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
