I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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