I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
