You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize