Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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