That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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