i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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