Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
