I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
babies were throwing up all over the place
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
