Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
