new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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