you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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