dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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