I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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