just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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