Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
