Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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